Folk fae Manchester cannae talk right.

I've now been living in England for nearly 9 years. Over this time it is inevitable that you pick up some local lingo/habits. For instance, I have found myself offering to make a 'brew' on occasion. Disappointing, I know.

However, there are some things I will never say. This is because they simply do not make any sense. Here are a few examples.

1) When asking someone where they got something, you may get the reply "He/she gave it me". Now, there is a clear omission of the word 'to' there, for no other reason than laziness. The option to say "Gave me it" is also ignored, through sheer malice.

2) The misuse of the word 'were'. You will often hear a Mancunian say something like "It were his fault." or "It were good." There is a problem where they use 'were' instead of 'was'. This, however, is similar to the problem that Glaswegians have with 'how' and 'why'... But more annoying.

3) What to call a 'roll'. It appears they have a lot of words/phrases for the simple roll. Bap and oven bottom are just two. The worst, though, is definitely... BARM CAKE. (i) Barm isn't even a word, there's actually a spell checker line under it as I type. (ii) A 'cake', it is not. IT'S A FUCKING ROLL.

There are many more.

Are you Scottish and live in a different country? Have you noticed how wrong everyone is? Write in. Go on.

Take care of your heart.

There are many things that can contribute to a heart attack. Cholesterol, smoking, drinking, poor diet etc. etc.

I bet you don't know what the second biggest contributor to heart disease is in the UK, though.

Mobile phone shops

You need a new phone. In you pop to your local mobile dealership, only to be met at the door by a faux American scrotum called Jax. Jax asks your name & what part of Ireland you are from. The reply is polite, if said through gritted teeth "Colin and Paisley". Jax then goes on to call you by your first name (all too familiarly) for the next excruciating 20 minutes. He then attempts to sell you the latest I-Phone because you "Literally are connected to everything, wherever you are." However, unknown to Jax, you have already decided to get a Blackberry Storm because that's free to upgrade to and the monthly payment is half that of an I-Phone. Much wrangling will follow with Jax whereupon he makes up some stats and finally, desperately tells you it has a built in spirit level and compass. This is around the time your chest starts to tighten. "That's not right" you think to yourself. "Must've been that Pepperami I had at lunchtime." So, Jax has given up the ghost on the I-Phone. Nae commission on that bad boy. Still, a sale's a sale, so he presses on with the Blackberry. Jax knows that the sale is in the bag, you've confirmed it's what you want. "What else can I sell him?" thinks Jax, not one to be beaten easily. "Have you considered insurance, Colin?" - "No and I wouldn't, thanks." you reply politely. "Can I ask, Colin, why you WOULDN'T insure a phone that is worth £400?!" he quizzes in disbelief at your unbelievable lack of intelligence. Just at that point, a shooting pain goes through your left arm. "That's not right" you think "Must've slept funny on it last night." Anyway, "1) Because it's not worth £400 and 2) You're giving it to me for free, mate" you reply, slightly less politely. "But...", "But nothing, mate. Just gonnae go and get it?" should be the final discussion point. But naw, we've still to go through text bundles, internet access, minutes, friends & family, bluetooth headsets, WIFI connection, a case and ... WALLOP. Cardiac arrest. Sitting in Carphone Warehouse in the 'W' position waiting for the paramedics. It's that easy, folks. Don't let it happen to you.

Oh, the biggest contributor to heart disease? - Robbie Williams.

Best Man?

Right, I've been lucky enough to be a Best Man twice. Count them, twice. This is the story of how the second speech nearly got out of hand.

As I am not a confident public speaker, I thought of ways to deflect attention at all costs. This is what I came up with for both speeches.

The best way I could think of to deflect attention from me was to use slides. I got my hands on a laptop (with powerpoint), a screen and a projector. I then asked both sets of parents (of the bride and groom) to give me pictures that I would be able to use. Depending on the pictures you get, a story is easily built around them. I then threw in the odd interesting fact and copied related pictures from google images. For example, for both I gave their date of birth and asked the guests to guess what was at number one the day they were born, then showed pictures of Blondie & Boney M.

In the second speech I employed the miracle of video technology and imported them into powerpoint. I took videos of myself first of all but then thought 'I wonder who else would get involved?'. This is where this speech was bordering on becoming self indulgent and that is where it nearly got out of hand.

The celebrities idea started with David Sneddon.

Would 'The Sned' do a wee video for us, for a laugh? After many emails back and forward, he stopped replying to me. Possibly because he thought I was stalking him.

As despondent as I was was about 'The Sneddonator' totally dingying the idea, this did not deter me from trying others.

I started thinking about childhood T.V. and contacted Andy Crane. That's right. Andy Crane fae The Broom Cupboard. Andy Crane agreed straight away. Andy Crane is a good guy. So, there I went, into Manchester with a video camera and filmed him passing on his message to the happy couple. Excellent.

'Why stop there?', I thought. Who else would take part in this journey through 80's/90's television & entertainment?

Keith Chegwin. That's who.

There I was, writing an email to Keith Chegwin asking if he'll pass on a message to the happy couple. No reply for months. didn't think much of it until one day a package came through the post. In the package was 2 signed GMTV postcards (one for me, another for the bride and groom) and... a DVD. A DVD of Keith Chegwin passing on his best wishes to the happy couple. Keith Chegwin had filmed, overdubbed, edited and posted this. FOR FUCK ALL. Keith Chegwin is a good guy. I sent an email to Keith Chegwin thanking him for being so kind. I added that should he ever be in Macclesfield, I owed him a pint. Keith Chegwin, I later found out, is a reformed alcoholic.

This success level made me do more. Who next?

Timmy Mallett. That's who.

There I was, writing an email to Timmy Mallett and sure enough, almost instantly, I receive an email back. Timmy Mallett says he'll do it! He's in! He's up for it! He wants £95! Timmy Mallett is a wank.

I moved on. Swiftly...

Next, The Krankies. Again, email back the same day. From Ian Krankie, no less. Ian goes on to explain that The Krankies are in Australia until June but I was to find attached an e-card that Jimmy had made for them. Good enough. The Krankies are good guys/women.

It was at this point I felt that self-indulgence was taking over. I pressed on.

David Dickinson next. He only lives up the road. I wrote a good old fashioned letter to him. 3 days later, I got a letter back. Enclosed was a compliments slip, written in Mr. Dickinson's fair hand, declining my offer to film him for this momentous occasion. He did, however, provide an A5 postcard for "the best man to use for the after dinner speeches". I made it abundantly clear in my letter that I was the best man. The card said that he hears "Fiona is a Bobby-dazzler" and he passes on his congratulations. David "The Duke" Dickinson is a good guy.

D'you know what the groom loved? Red Dwarf. That's whit.

Next - Craig Charles.

A wee email to BBC 6 Music - Craig Charles' funk and soul show - and BOOYALL! meeting him the next Saturday at BBC Manchester studios. So, me and Gibby go for a couple of pints, take a camcorder, film Craig Charles passing on his best wishes and go for a couple more pints. That was a good day. Craig Charles is a good guy.

Tell ye who works in radio. Phil McGarvey. That's who.

So, I wondered who my Celtic supporting friend was working with at the moment?

Andi Peters. That's who.

Can Phil sort that out. Aye, can he. Not only that, guess who's a guest on Andi Peters' show the next day...

X-Factor's Eoghan Quigg. That's who.

WALLOP. 2-4-1 celebrity deal. McGarvey films both passing on their message, burns it on to a DVD and sends it to me. Andi Peters is a good guy. Eoghan Quigg is a good guy. Phil McGarvey is more than a good guy.

Other participants included 'Thunder' (really shit band, but the groom LOVED them) who sent a well wishing, signed card. Tony Butler, who sent a well wishing email (Big Country's bass player) and Dougie MacLean, who sent a signed CD of the album that 'Caledonia' is on (That was their first dance).

So, I compiled them, put them in some kind order, showed pictures of the bride and groom throughout their lives and delivered it like a trainer in a call centre.

Finally -People who didn't respond, in no particular order:

Sting, Chris Barrie, Robert Llewellyn, Danny John Jules, Ronan Keating, McFly, a John Lennon Lookalike, The Bootleg Beatles, Michelle McManus, Darius Danesh & Lion-o... Miserable shower of bastards.

Anyway, the moral of the story is, I REALLY fucking enjoyed it. Right?

Blogging. Whit's it aw aboot?

I have always enjoyed reading others' blogs. Limmy's, Connell & Florence's and recently Gerry 'Hotstaxx' McLaughlin's. As with all things that happen on the internet, I am a good few years later than most to try it.

Problem is, the examples given above are comedians, proper comedians. I work in a call centre. I believe that there will be rare occasions when I will come close to entertaining anyone that reads this... In saying that, I do work with some fucking clowns.

Right now I don't know where to start. My subject matter will come to me, I'm sure. I will then write a proper blog about something with some proper content. I am not, it should be said, a comedian.

I suppose I could write a wee bit about myself to start...

I am originally from a village called Howwood just outside Paisley. I moved to Macclesfield in Cheshire 8 years ago in search of a Rock and Roll dream that sadly never materialised. Officially, the band has not split and remains in the guise of The Shores, but we all know it's over. It's fucking over, man. It's over. Gone. Dead.

What we will never forget though, is supporting Ocean Colour Scene and more recently, New Order. Not a lot of unsigned bands can say that. Can you? Naw. That's right. Ye cannae. Get that roon ye.

Bitterness is a trait I have found comes easier with age.

Still, I am now a patriotic Scot living in England with a son & daughter, so it all worked out in the end. We can't all be rock stars... but I'd have been a fuckin' good one.

Anyway, I will now think of something to blog about and try to make it interesting. Thanks for reading... If you have.